I was not happy this afternoon. It has something to do with how I dismally failed with my lesson about knowing oneself and the directions to take in life. I have decided that for two weeks I would devote my lessons in English to this enduring understanding that knowledge of oneself is needed to succeed in life. Last week, we talked about Bertrand Russel's passion in life and how his passions helped him shaped to who he has become later in life. This week, I intend to talk about Oedipus, the King and guide my students to understanding deeper that one's knowledge of self is important in life. I have carefully chosen both extraordinary literary works (an autobiographical essay and a tragedy) by equally extraordinary writers to present this enduring understanding to my students - that self-knowledge is important to success or failure in life. For Oedipus, the King I was so meticulous with the learning plan that it took me almost two days to prepare an hour's lesson. Still, I failed and I was so sad.
The way I teach English to my students always starts with identification of my desired result for them (i.e. my students). For both What I Have Lived For and Oedipus, the King, my desired result is for my students to realize how important self-knowledge is for one's future. Unfortunately, most students see English as plain grammar and not at all something about life. Life to them is taught only in Christian Living. Because we also took up relative clauses last week, it didn't mean that Russel's autobiographical essay was all about the non-restrictive and the restrictive clauses only. The lesson on clauses may be forgotten, but because I asked my students to write some sort of a reflection on their respective personal philosophies, I hope that partly I will be able to have touched their hearts that I am not only teaching them English. I am really teaching them life and how to live it. I hope I won't be disappointed this Friday. I told my students to submit their personal reflections on that day.
After identifying the desired result, the next thing I do is determine what will I ask from my students so that I will be able to see that they have understood the deeper understanding I would have wanted them to realize. In this case, self-knowledge is important in one's future. After discussing Russel's philosophy and Oedipus' tragic fate, I wanted my students to be able to reflect the bigger picture that in both selections man's future has been greatly affected by his self-knowledge. I, therefore, asked them to write a reflection on their own personal philosophies - what they believe about life and how these beliefs have governed their day to day existence. If they will be able to write a good reflection, then I will be happy because my desired result has been accomplished. I will be happier, however, if my students will be able to use correctly relative clauses in their reflections, which by the way I have also asked them to do. The requirement for Friday is not to make my students' lives difficult...but unfortunately, that is what most seniors think about me, making lives difficult. So sad, very sad.
After identifying the desired result I want to see in my students and determining the task to assess their understanding about it, my next move is to prepare my lesson. For my students to appreciate self-knowledge, I have decided to talk about Russel's essay and Sophocles' Oedipus. Though both works seem to be contradictory, they mean the same. The theme for both revolves around knowing more oneself. For Oedipus, I prepared very well. I even took extra effort to assign ahead what my students are supposed to prepare - read and research - about this great tragedy by Sophocles. This afternoon, however, it was very clear that they did not do their part of the bargain. It was quite unfair when only the teacher prepares well for the class interaction, or was it really an interaction this afternoon? I thought I was giving a dramatic monologue complete with all the pleading that they (my students) would also prepare for class. If I have prepared well for all my lessons, I deserve too that my students should be even more prepared than I am taking into consideration that they have more to learn than I do. Obviously, my seniors still have not understood this.
I was thinking, "What if I will not at all prepare my lesson?" I will just hold on to the book and read whatever is there, in front of my students. I think this looks more appealing to them. The problem with this approach though is that understanding would be so shallow. What the students will learn is what was only written in the book. Get rid of the book and the students do not remember anything anymore. The idea is supposed to teach them beyond what is in the book. Subject-verb agreement cannot feed a hungry mouth nor relative clauses can heal a broken relationship. These are some of the minor things students have to learn in English. Life. They are supposed to learn about life in English IV. Sadly, they did not or do not or will not or refuse to understand so. Whenever I get to interact with my senior students, I am not just an English teacher. I am more of a person wanting to share what I have been through with life, what I have understood about it. Sadly, I fail. So sadly, I fail...
I am now beginning to think that I am not really a good teacher. I failed to motivate my students to be passionate about the subject. I failed to make them understand my real purpose for teaching the subject. I failed to make them see how different literary works by great authors reflect life. I only succeeded in making my seniors' lives more difficult that they no longer have time to waste. I only succeeded in confusing them which belabored their brains to think. I only succeeded in making their parents sad because I failed them for understanding so little about the subject. I only succeed in wasting their hard earned money to pay for my meager salary. I failed in so many things good. I succeeded only in things bad. I failed. How dismally have I failed!
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