THE FOOLISHNESS OF YOUTH

Parental Blunt, Blame and Blunder

Kung atong sud-ungon karon, lisod na kaayo sabton ang mga kabatan-onan. Ang ila nga mga panglihok-lihok, kanatong mga gulang na, usahay makasapot. Paminaw sulay sa ila nga mga sinulti-an, maluma ang mga asosiloy sa Alcoy. Ang ako gayud nga ikahi-ubos kay ang mga batasan sa mga kabatan-onan nga unta molunot sa pag-usbaw sa panahon, inay mura ug nabaklag. Daw baho pa sa ilagang patay. Usa ka ginikanan ako nga nakahinabi miaging adlaw mahitungod sa batasan sa iyang anak nga ako upod nga tinun-an sa eskwelahan.

Sa wala pa ang pista, nakahinagbo ko ang inahan sa usa sa akong mga tinun-an. Gusto g'yud niya nga ako iyang mahinabi kabahin sa grado sa iyang anak. Kini katungod ug responsibilidad sa usa ka ginikanan. Gikalipay ko kaayo ang iyang sugyot. Pero ang grado sintomas lang sa mga daghan pa kaayong problema. Usahay kita'ng mga ginikanan dili makadawat sa nahimong sangputanan sa atong mga anak. Kay lagi ang bata nahagbong man, ato dayun nga batian ang kaguol kay ang kahuyang sa bata usa man ka salamin sa ato 'pod nga dakong pagkulang kanila.

Sa adlaw nga mibisita ang maong ginikanan kanako, akong nasuta ang dako kaayo nga problema. Siya nga inahan wala 'gyud panahon para sa iya nga anak kay atoa man lagi siya sa layo nanguyamot aron ikabuhi sa iyang pamilya. Pareho sila sa iyang bana. Nahiuli lang sila tungod sa piyesta. Ang ilang mga anak nagadako lang sa ilang iyaan. Ako 'pod nga nahibaw-an nga masuso pa kini nga iya nang gibilin sa iyang igsoong babaye. Niadtong panahona, ang bana uban pa sa bata; pero kay lagi ang iyahang pares nanginabuhi man upod, ang amahan wala 'pod panahon para sa ilang mga anak.

Ang wala nahibaw-i sa daghan kaayo nga mga ginikanan, dili kuarta o' kaha gugma ang bahandi nga ilaha puwede nga ikagasa sa mga bata. Parents did not know that the best gift they can give their children is to develop self-respect in them which is born from healthy self-image and self-worth. Pag mismong mga ginikanan wala makakita sa kaimportante sa pagkatawo sa ilang mga anak, ang mga bata dili g'yud modako nga tarong. Self-worth and self-respect are the foundations for a child developing into a better person. Kung wala ang mga ginikanan sa kiliran sa ilang mga anak, dako kaayo kini nga ikahiubos sa mga bata ug nga kini dayun nagahatag ug sayop nga pagtuo nga ang mga ginikanan wala gamahal kanilang mga anak.

Ang batasan sa mga kabatan-onan karon salamin sa dako ug daghan kaayo nga mga pagkulang sa mga ginikanan. Sayop ug guol kaayo nga hunahuna-on nga ingnon ta lunot sa panahon ang mga nahimong kasaypanan sa mga kabatan-onan. Niadtong dugay nang mga tuig nga milabay, ang mga bata dili pa kaayo buluyagan. Kini tungod kay ang mga ginikanan anaa uban kanila nga gamatuto. Nabati sa mga bata kanhiay nga sila gimahal, that was why they developed a very healthy self-image of themselves. Karon nagpabuyag ang mga kabatan-onan tungod gani kay nagkulang ug dako ang mga ginikanan paggiya kanila sa maayong pamatasan. Kadaghanan 'pod sa mga bata karon wala upoy kumpleto nga pamilya. Subo nga palandungon.

Unta dili sa mga bata ibasol ang tanan...

RECLAIMING MYSELF

Life Has To Move On

After my ninth year of working, I asked for a rest. I was tired then, but was later on convinced to continue working. Physically, I begged to rest; however, mentally I was still willing to serve. Today though, I am both tired bodily and mentally. My mind is set already to rest, and physically, I am exhausted. I badly need a change of environment and perspective to see myself again.

I have grown much professionally with my current work. However, after quite a number of years working, I got lost and have forgotten about myself healthwise, never mind my family. Because of the nature of my work and the personality of the institution where I am at, there were things I used to do before that I have to set aside to maintain the integrity of my workplace.

I used to go out with close acquaintances before, but time and proper decorum do not allow me the same today. With this, I isolated myself and led a very lonely existence. The things that I missed most are running and mountain biking. I usually bring home work (which is actually my fault), so I cannot do both anymore. I have forgotten how to enjoy life and commune with nature. I am bored with how routine my life has become.

The predictable cycle of my life coupled with personal problems threw me into a fit of self-pity which spiraled into depressive moods that I can no longer understand myself some time. I have been very sad and lonely for some years now. However, because of the nature and demands of my work, I continue assuming a well-composed facade. I live two live -- I look so strong outside but I am an emotional mess inside. I want to slow down things and reclaim life's beauty that was intended for me to enjoy.

LOST IN MORE THAN TRANSLATION

Filipinos Kill the Time

Time is gold. It has never been silver nor bronze. It has always been gold. That is how people before value every ticking seconds of time. The absence of accurate and fast technology to tell time could have been a cause why people of the olden times put so much premium on time. Today, the value of time is as golden as before. Ride an airplane that brings you to your destination late, and you may miss great business opportunities. A doctor on the operating table always will say that every second counts for the patient under a knife. But wait...! Do not ever mention time to most government officials. Most of them with time suffer mast cell overload with histamines.

I did not know that some important government officials and politicians would grace the opening of the Agri-Business Fair situated in front of UV. Our students were there, I thought, to look and see what the fair was all about. When I walked out the gate, I saw that they were still outside. They were not allowed to get inside because the ribbon has not been cut yet - the fair has not been declared open to public. But how long they have been standing outside, I did not bother check the time. The government official to cut the ribbon has not arrived on time (read as late). I heard that the fair was supposed to open at 9a.m. Sadly, time has never been gold at all this morning. I want to be fair though. Maybe the government officials to cut the ribbon had something more important to do than manipulate a pair of scissors to cut a rafia declaring the key chains inside to be devoured by the all-eager grade school pupils.

Well, what is new? I was asked to be one of the masters of ceremony in a fiesta event way back time. The program was scheduled to start at 9p.m. We were able to sing the national anthem at past 12 midnight. Sorely, the invited guests to crown the less-happier queen started his campaign trail inside the house of the mayor. I remembered to be wearing a blue suit then. I thought it turned black with sweat waiting for the old politicians to crawl their way to the cultural complex. Why invite politicians from outside town to grace affairs that our people have labored so much to perfect? They were a shining and golden example of Filipino time - the time that does not just stand still but kill. I was really lost in time.

I AM ABSENT TODAY

The Price(?) for Being 40

Many said life begins at forty. I don't know what to say but I think this idea holds much water. Whether one needs life because he has not yet lived one or simply because he has to re-live, I don't know too. One thing for sure, I need a new life.

When I am almost 40, I often feel tired almost always at the end of an academic year. Maybe I have started zealously that I got tired later. It could also be just plain burnout. I maybe stressed too from to many things to think of. Definitely I have nobody to blame but myself.

Or maybe I have to have a new life after all. How will I do this? I could always quit my work and find another. I may, however, rebirth back to just being a plain classroom teacher. I have better plans though. I want to live town for a while and live where no man has been before. In this case, I just do not live again, but more so be born again.

HERE I GO AGAIN

I think I am really growing older. I cannot understand anymore the things that are going on around me. In school and with my teachers, I expect so much that I don't know if they can deliver. I don't want to reason out for my actions and demands. Nobody will understand. I find consolation by drowning myself with work. My two English classes among the freshmen however are a welcome respite. They may still be little children, but I find my time with them so consoling...so inspiring.

RANDOM THOUGHTS TO RUN DOOMED THOUGHTS

It has been a week since classes for the current school year started. I am looking forward to a productive year; however, thoughts of doom always keep on bugging me. I am trying to overcome them. Randomly like monsoon rains, they flood my mind. Think of the sumo wrestler, I often hear Julian. Can I not smell the crushed roses or see the diamond-paved roads? I smell the roses but who cares for the pleasant odor. We always feel the pain...I always pain and hear Philip reechoed, "Where is God when it hurts?" Could this be because I expect too much? Have anxiety been now a paranoia? I should have stopped reading long before.

SYLLABUS, SYLLABI, ALIBI...GOOD BYE

Praise the Good Teachers

We are on the second day of re-engineering our curricular offerings both in grade school and high school. We have been doing this for quite a while. It was however only this school year that we have become zealous of it. I believe that a good teacher should come with a functional discipline curriculum which is manifested tangibly by the syllabus. Most of the seasoned teachers have understood the necessity of good planning and well-thought syllabi. The younger teachers also thought the same. Sadly, others feel otherwise.

Some new teachers did not join us for this morning's brain-wracking curriculum re-engineering exercise. I appreciated those who arrived earlier than 8 - I arrived 5 minutes later. The air conditioning system was on its way humming cold when I entered the computer laboratory. Some teachers were already in front the computers coding their new syllabi. I was happy. As minutes passed by, I have come to conclusion that other teachers would not be coming. I was disappointed because these were the teachers who have not done anything yet nor were serious of what we were doing. During the yearend evaluation, they did not get a good rating from me. The school was compassionate though to give them one more year. However, good bye would have been better.

Saying it is hard to prepare the syllabus because the process was only partly taught in college is not even an alibi. It is downright self-denial of one's authentic self. When a teacher does not know who he is, what his duties are, that person does not belong in school, and actually cannot claim to be a teacher. There are so many teacher graduates who were trained to become teachers but lack the attitude of a real teacher. I have seen so many, and this has more than saddened me. I was alarmed that there are people who are like them, and are actually in school supposed to be mentoring young minds. No wonder education in our country is going down the drain. The only consolation I had later today was when three of my former students visited us. They were not the best minds we had, but they turned out to be excellent in their chosen degree programs. We have had prepared excellent syllabi before, therefore.

FACELESS JUDAH BEN HUR

Strong Faith, Strange Fate, Stark Hate

Learning English as a second language demands mastery of the four macro skills: listening, speaking, reading, and writing. Of these four skills, I believe that speaking is the most challenging to master. I further believe though that writing well makes speaking a lot easier. Being secondary learners of the language, speaking well before writing comes with too much practice and experience. We just don't have that much experience conversing in English. Speaking well, however, may come from writing very well. One of the reasons why we don't want to speak in English is lack of confidence that we have mastered English structurally. When we can write well, it follows that we know the structure and the meaning of the English language.

We usually fail to learn well the structure of the English language because we lack the much needed confidence to learn it. We have reached fourth year high school sans belief of our capability of learning the structure of the English language - that it is not as confusing as what of us mostly believe. Could this have been caused by wrong instruction by English teachers before who were not confident teaching the language? This lack of faith may have rubbed off among the students that only a few really know the structure of the language confidently well. Lack of strong faith in one's ability to grasp the meaning and structure of the language, therefore, deters functional use of English.

By strange fate, the gentlemen are not at all gentle in their functional understanding of the English language. Could it be in the genes that only a few men like English? Immature men (a.k.a. children) hate English. They always think English has to have them twist their tongues to pronounce words clearly. They fail to understand that speaking the language and communication for understanding demand clear articulation. Strangely, because of how atrophied men's brain have come to be, they fail to comprehend that global issues are resolved and business deals sealed using English as the medium of communication. Fatefully strange, this seemingly brainless logic perpetuated by moronic Adams contributes to our failure of fully appreciating the function of the English language.

Lastly, men's stark abhorrence to anything less manly makes them look more like apes than humans. Why hate the English language which has moved men to fight for freedom after King? Why such hate to a language which has catapulted so many men to glorious victories as it did to Churchill? After Romulo in the United Nations, the Philippines has never again a nameless spot in the world map. It was MacArthur's well-meant promise to return that gave us all hope to a better Philippines. All these done in English, the language men oh-so-hate. In English, all these men communicated their ideas. Why hate so much the language that has freed us from all the bondage of ignorance, oppression and pain? Have we regressed and have grown tails already? Have we become monkeys now?

When we cannot seem to sketch who Judah Ben Hur is, weaving words of the English language, chances are we are either monkeys or apes, not humans at all. Humans have faith in themselves. Man always has faith that he can learn. By fate and not strangely, both men and women are endowed with innate capacities to learn, enough gray matter for more complex intelligence. Apes are not as intelligent as we are. We are also supposed to be appreciative, not full of hate. We are more civilized than monkeys that if the latter race is capable of appreciating, how much more are we? If still we cannot sketch Judah Ben Hur, then we might as well be caged with the monkeys, or better free the monkeys and have us aping instead. Long live the monkeys!

LAMENTATIONS ON ONE MOONLIT NIGHT

How I Failed So Much as a Teacher

I was not happy this afternoon. It has something to do with how I dismally failed with my lesson about knowing oneself and the directions to take in life. I have decided that for two weeks I would devote my lessons in English to this enduring understanding that knowledge of oneself is needed to succeed in life. Last week, we talked about Bertrand Russel's passion in life and how his passions helped him shaped to who he has become later in life. This week, I intend to talk about Oedipus, the King and guide my students to understanding deeper that one's knowledge of self is important in life. I have carefully chosen both extraordinary literary works (an autobiographical essay and a tragedy) by equally extraordinary writers to present this enduring understanding to my students - that self-knowledge is important to success or failure in life. For Oedipus, the King I was so meticulous with the learning plan that it took me almost two days to prepare an hour's lesson. Still, I failed and I was so sad.

The way I teach English to my students always starts with identification of my desired result for them (i.e. my students). For both What I Have Lived For and Oedipus, the King, my desired result is for my students to realize how important self-knowledge is for one's future. Unfortunately, most students see English as plain grammar and not at all something about life. Life to them is taught only in Christian Living. Because we also took up relative clauses last week, it didn't mean that Russel's autobiographical essay was all about the non-restrictive and the restrictive clauses only. The lesson on clauses may be forgotten, but because I asked my students to write some sort of a reflection on their respective personal philosophies, I hope that partly I will be able to have touched their hearts that I am not only teaching them English. I am really teaching them life and how to live it. I hope I won't be disappointed this Friday. I told my students to submit their personal reflections on that day.

After identifying the desired result, the next thing I do is determine what will I ask from my students so that I will be able to see that they have understood the deeper understanding I would have wanted them to realize. In this case, self-knowledge is important in one's future. After discussing Russel's philosophy and Oedipus' tragic fate, I wanted my students to be able to reflect the bigger picture that in both selections man's future has been greatly affected by his self-knowledge. I, therefore, asked them to write a reflection on their own personal philosophies - what they believe about life and how these beliefs have governed their day to day existence. If they will be able to write a good reflection, then I will be happy because my desired result has been accomplished. I will be happier, however, if my students will be able to use correctly relative clauses in their reflections, which by the way I have also asked them to do. The requirement for Friday is not to make my students' lives difficult...but unfortunately, that is what most seniors think about me, making lives difficult. So sad, very sad.

After identifying the desired result I want to see in my students and determining the task to assess their understanding about it, my next move is to prepare my lesson. For my students to appreciate self-knowledge, I have decided to talk about Russel's essay and Sophocles' Oedipus. Though both works seem to be contradictory, they mean the same. The theme for both revolves around knowing more oneself. For Oedipus, I prepared very well. I even took extra effort to assign ahead what my students are supposed to prepare - read and research - about this great tragedy by Sophocles. This afternoon, however, it was very clear that they did not do their part of the bargain. It was quite unfair when only the teacher prepares well for the class interaction, or was it really an interaction this afternoon? I thought I was giving a dramatic monologue complete with all the pleading that they (my students) would also prepare for class. If I have prepared well for all my lessons, I deserve too that my students should be even more prepared than I am taking into consideration that they have more to learn than I do. Obviously, my seniors still have not understood this.

I was thinking, "What if I will not at all prepare my lesson?" I will just hold on to the book and read whatever is there, in front of my students. I think this looks more appealing to them. The problem with this approach though is that understanding would be so shallow. What the students will learn is what was only written in the book. Get rid of the book and the students do not remember anything anymore. The idea is supposed to teach them beyond what is in the book. Subject-verb agreement cannot feed a hungry mouth nor relative clauses can heal a broken relationship. These are some of the minor things students have to learn in English. Life. They are supposed to learn about life in English IV. Sadly, they did not or do not or will not or refuse to understand so. Whenever I get to interact with my senior students, I am not just an English teacher. I am more of a person wanting to share what I have been through with life, what I have understood about it. Sadly, I fail. So sadly, I fail...

I am now beginning to think that I am not really a good teacher. I failed to motivate my students to be passionate about the subject. I failed to make them understand my real purpose for teaching the subject. I failed to make them see how different literary works by great authors reflect life. I only succeeded in making my seniors' lives more difficult that they no longer have time to waste. I only succeeded in confusing them which belabored their brains to think. I only succeeded in making their parents sad because I failed them for understanding so little about the subject. I only succeed in wasting their hard earned money to pay for my meager salary. I failed in so many things good. I succeeded only in things bad. I failed. How dismally have I failed!

DOUBLE INSERTION, TRIPLE BAD NEWS

What Has Become of Politics

Good luck comes in threes. It follows then that bad luck also comes in threes. As I was listening to the early evening news edition, a series of bad news slapped me on the face. First, the Senators were again wasting much time debating on the “double insertion” case of Villar. They were not supposed to be debating still but investigating already. Second, though the Health Department was happy no A H1N1 has surfaced yet, the arrogance of the quarantine bureau regarding the implementation of a new ruling regarding foreign performers that have to be tested for the virus may have left the two Davids scratching their heads. Third, there could be a possibility that the presidential election next year will not ever happen. What! This indeed was the worst news of the night. Three bad news that may spell the worst of our lucks.

It has been two weeks already that the Senate was debating on how to amend their ethics rules on investigating one of them (i.e. erring senator). This was a result of the alleged “double insertion” made by Villar on a road project. According to Senator Madrigal, the former padded the budget for the project in a way that benefited him. The road project was rerouted to pass by the properties and holdings of the gentleman senator. This doubled the budget because the government had to buy lands from Villar at a staggering Php15,000 per square meters. However, nothing happened today because they could not come to understand each other. Last week they settled that they had differences. Goodness! What a waste of precious money from taxpayers. Nothing happened today because two not so gentleman senators walked out of the Senate.

I was fascinated on how zealous the Health Department was in trying to contain out the very confusing swine/A H1N1 influenza virus. I have appreciated what they have done although sometimes their concern already bordered on paranoia. They first did not want Pacquiao to come home yet after his jaw breaking fight with Hatton. The department wanted the group to quarantine themselves in California, but Pacman was more intelligent to say that they run a greater risk being infected there. Right. Today, some quarantine officials were pissed off by David Cook and David Archuleta. The group was to conduct a test to determine if both Idol singers had no viruses in their throats, but they were made to wait for so long in the hotel lobby. The concert organizers still had to ask their lawyer for the green light. Why? So this irritated the equally irritating quarantine officials. Bad news for me dying to listen for good news.

The worst news of the evening was also the most shocking. It could be that the presidential election will not happen next year. Oh, my goodness! How long will these self-serving government officials continue serving themselves? This may happen because…brace for this…the commission on election may run out of time preparing how to do the election next year. The COMELEC is right now on the bidding stage for the computerization of the electoral process next year. But there have been a lot of trouble with the bidders. (Well in good they have detected the trouble brewing.) By the time they decide to do the election manually because the computers are not yet ready, they will have no more time to prepare because they have been so preoccupied with nothing! Another waste of taxpayers’ precious pesos.

These have been the reasons why I hate watching news on TV. I don’t know if the rating goes high whenever the scoop caters on how bad our luck is. They say that news networks are just doing their jobs, but to broadcast a bad news when we are dining makes me want to choke on my own vomit. So as not to die with a very embarrassing post-mortem autopsy, I change channel and watch the government news network. As expected, the government has been spending wisely all taxpayers’ hard earned money. It always forces a smile on my full mouth. What makes me laugh though is how bad some of the Palace officials speak English. We are not native speakers of the language, but if I am the press secretary, well, I should be one of the best speakers of the land. This is not so bad news however. It’s just plain comedy of errors.

I AM SO PISSED OFF TODAY

...And My Patience Has Worn Out Thin

Patience is a virtue. Only a few men are gifted with this. I am not one but I know how to be patient. This is because each one of us is different from each other. One’s abilities and strengths may not be another’s. I may be capable of teaching, so everything about education I know much better than an engineer, for example. The latter may be good with strengths of materials and how to build structures which unfortunately I am not. I can talk and talk and talk without stopping. Others may not be able to do this, but they may be good in carpentry which sadly I am not. With these things in mind, I have taught myself how to be patient. My patience, therefore, is born from necessity and not inborn. Because my work requires me to deal with people from all ages and all walks of life, I have to be civil, keep my calm and be patient as my wits can hold me sane.

I was able to sleep well last night so I woke up this morning feeling good as well. Although I woke up quite late, I was all ready to face the new day. I had spaghetti for brunch and toasted bread. I ate contentedly as I watched some news on TV. The US serviceman who open fired to some of his comrades inside a mind wellness clinic in Iraq did not surprise me at all. He could be suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome which is very common to military men in the battlefield. I just hope he was not so impatient to wait for his turn and kill all those before him. My patience was tested to the same stress level as my day progressed. When I was in the middle of my workout, some people were looking for me. They were the same people whose favor I politely turned down a week ago. They were asking for a monetary contribution to hire a band for the fiesta procession. I could have been very generous if I have something to give; however, for now I am just flat broke. Every penny I have has been budgeted for me to last until the middle of June when I will have received my first pay for the next school year as a principal. Surely, I was irritated but I still promised to give something tomorrow.

After taking my shower, I saw somebody outside. I asked my mom who the person was looking for. She was my student in the local college where I am a part time teacher. She was the third to be asking for grades in College Writing today. I blew my top but I did not show it for I am only scantily clad in a bath towel. I was not able to compute for their final grades because they were so late (by two months) in submitting their term paper. I was only able to compute four of the 21 students I had. Clearly, it was not my fault that they do not have the grades until today. They just submitted their respective papers online and I still have to read them. Because it is vacation time, I refused to do any work related with school. I am so feed up with ten months of working diligently in school. I believed that I more than deserved this break. I did not talk with my student. I asked my mom to tell her I could not give them their grades for now. I will personally hand their grades to the registrar as soon as the new academic year starts.

I have no enough cash on hand today. This is why I was so irritated with the fiesta contribution they asked from me. To add more stress to my brewing top, my mom told me that the toilet cleaning set (of dubious chemicals) was due today. This just did it and I let out a loud sigh of frustration. My mother got a hell of scolding from me. I asked her not to patronize anymore those bogus products. We can by the same at half the price from the local supermarket. I am literally broke and so much stressed. My stress level reached an all time high when the oven ran out of precious LPG. My mom was in the middle of cooking something, I had no money to buy a replacement tank and I was so much stressed already, I decided not to eat. Suddenly I lost all my appetite. I can be very angry but I do not want to do it in front of my mom. I ran out of patience today that I locked myself in the room and fell asleep as late as 5 this afternoon.

Patience is a virtue. Born out of necessity, I taught myself how to be patient. I may have succeeded in some occasions but today I dismally failed. As I reflected on what took place today, I would like to believe that I was not responsible for all the bad luck that befell us all. I had no money to give because last week I already told the chapel officials that I was not donating. I did not have anything extra to give, simple. All cash I have has been budgeted already. I could not give grades because the students submitted late, and I hate very much people who cannot understand what a deadline is. My fourth year English students knew this by heart. My mom did not tell me ahead of time that a payment was due today. I had no money and we could not even cook a decent meal without sweating a lot inside the dirty kitchen. What a life! I would have liked to shout and break things whatever I can get hold of. These are my ugly and violent ways to release pent up anger. However, my saner self prevailed. I am stressed. My patience has been worn out thin. I will definitely sleep with a heavy heart tonight.

LIFE SUCKS!

Drowning to the Vortex of Nowhere

I felt so tired for two days now. Every time I feel so tired, I know I am depressed again. There were just so many problems that I had to face this week. Real life is supposed to be full of problems. However, I wish I will one day live in a place quite far from people (but not isolated) where I can just be myself. It is a place where I be the one dictating time, where there is no time prescribed to finish things or deadlines. It will be a place where routine is unheard of. I want to stay in a place where I do not have to think of when to eat and when to wake up in the morning. It will be a place where I live free without the cares of others or me caring in return. It will be I and nature, all alone. I want to run out of mundane problems that wear me off. Thinking of these problems leaves me so much tired.

I felt so tired the other day after waking up in the morning. I did not blame my workout for my bad mood. I just had so many small and irritating things bothering me. These problems were not mine but somehow I got affected by them. Thus, I decided to do my workout in the afternoon. I did not have the energy to do it in the morning. Maybe I was so excited for the change in schedule that I was not able to nap after lunch. Because of the hot weather, I usually take a short nap after lunch. I began my warm up and stretching at about 4p.m. and after two hours I was through with all – warm up, cardio, weights, abs and cool down. I felt fine the next day; however, I had a hard time coping up with the new schedule. I overslept until 4 yesterday that I woke up so groggy to start working out at almost 6p.m. This was too late that I ended up rushing on almost everything. Today, I went back to my usual morning workout.

I was not able to write anything yesterday because I was awfully tired. I know this is more mental than physical. I am now on my third week of working out and I am feeling and seeing results already. I feel lighter and I do not have difficulty breathing anymore. The slight muscle sore perks me up every morning as I wake up. The slight pain reminds me of little successes. I tried again this afternoon a stretch Adidas shirt I had, and I was happy it fitted me quite right. Last month, I could not get inside the shirt without looking like a bursting bag of potato chips. I felt happy. But overall, I am not feeling very positive lately. There are problems that are bothering me, and I hate when people think I seem to have the answer to every problem there is in this world. I would like to be happy for the trust afforded me but mentally I am so drained. I don’t want to live any more any longer. Life sucks and it is sucking me down the vortex to nowhere.

NEVER A SHOOTER NOR A DRIBBLER

Cops Who Can't Shoot

Nearly 90 percent of the 125,000 members of the Philippine National Police failed a firearms proficiency test, according to the National Police Commission. That story would be laughable if it did not have dire consequences for law enforcement. Cops who can’t shoot straight lose out to crooks who can. Cops who can’t shoot straight end up shooting dead both hostage taker and the hostage. Cops who can’t hit their targets end up hitting innocent civilians instead, as in the case of the policemen who shot and killed an overseas Filipino worker on vacation in Manila together with his daughter. Father and daughter had the misfortune of getting in the way of a running gun battle between cops and a gang of suspected criminals in southern Metro Manila. Those cops, who were legitimately pursuing suspected crooks, would have been spared from an ongoing investigation and their possible expulsion from the police force if they could use their firearms properly.

The reason for the poor proficiency in marksmanship in most cases is not due to stupidity or fear of guns, but logistical problems. The starting pay of cops is barely above the minimum wage, and studies have shown that there are PNP members living below the poverty line. Cops can practice marksmanship only if they have the ammunition for it. But the PNP ammo allocation per cop is sufficient chiefly for use when needed. Those who want to improve their shooting skills can do so only if they obtain their own ammunition. And bullets – even reloads – do not come cheap.PNP members who serve as politicians’ aides or bodyguards are usually the ones who manage to practice their marksmanship regularly. As informal members of virtual private armies, their skills are on tap not for the general public but for their political patrons. Other PNP members must make do with what they have, until the government decides to invest in upgrading the skills and equipment of law enforcers.

This is very sad. The fact that any civilized society has at least a crime committed, cops are imperative for its progress. However, if the PNP cannot provide marksmanship training and adequate bullets, what can we expect of our cops? They would be inefficient in their jobs and this inefficiency goes into a bad downtrend cycle. The top guns translate this inefficiency into bad performance rating. Unfortunately, it is only after a good performance rating that one goes up the salary rating scale. Some cops live in the poverty line and when their salary is not more than enough, we can expect these men in uniform to moonlight and even do the contrary. How many cops have we heard that were involved in criminal activities? There have been a lot and I think a lot will still be coming unless the government and PNP have to think faster of the reforms to be made. How many kutong cops have we heard too? There have been so many also. Why are these cops pushed to do something opposite of what they are supposed to do?

To be fair, there are still good cops out there. They are not only good in shooting targets, they have even risked lives to respond to calls of duty. How many cops have we heard being killed or hurt while responding to these calls? Although, there have only been a few, still life has been gallantly put at stake. How many families have we heard crying because they have lost their fathers in a crossfire which is more often dubbed by human right advocates as mere rubouts not ligitimate shootouts? Why are people so noisy when alleged criminals are shoot dead and do not even give a heck when good cops are mercilessly killed by these criminals? Have we grown so tired of the corruption that besieged our own police system? Questions, questions, questions. Unfortunately, there are no clear answers around the bend yet. Ours is as bad an eye sight as those nearly 90 perecent cops who failed in the firearms proficiency test. But at least I'm a shooter, never a dribbler. Huh!

ORGANIZATION: A CLEARER VIEW TO A KILL

How to Accomplish Tasks Efficiently

Some say that I am obsessed with organization. I don't believe them. I am an organized person but I am not obsessed with it. Organization to me is important in accomplishing almost anything. I believe that when everything is in order, when everything is in the right place, great things are done at a reasonable time. I dig for efficiency. I dig for hard work and I believe in excellence in whatever I do. To be excellent in everything I do, organization is but imperative. This belief was challenged and affirmed today. We have teachers that are so disorganized although they are not right-brained. On the other hand, we also have teachers that are mixed - both right and left, creative and methodical. The former group obviously irritates me. The latter kind makes me believe in the power of the human spirit.

As I was preparing for school today, I received a text message from one of our parents. She relayed that according to her son’s adviser, he would be retained at the same year level next school year. This, according to the mother, was because her son had failures of more than three units. She was quite calm as I deduced from her message. I was irritated though by the adviser who I already talked with yesterday. I told her what information to relay and how to do it so everything would sound sympathetic to the child’s dilemma. This teacher is supposed to be intelligent and in control of herself. I don’t know what happen, but she just made a fool out of herself this morning.

I got so irritated because the teacher was not prudent. She lacked foresight; she was not able to see the possible repercussions of what she just said. I explicitly told her yesterday that the students would still be able to enroll in third year next school year provided he has to take summer classes of subjects he failed this year. The words I believe were easy to understand that even the mother did so. She might have panicked and lost focus because what she relayed to the parent I think were all wrong. This was what I have observed from her lately. She seemed to be out of herself. When one is out of oneself, then she is not focused; thus, she is disorganized in thoughts which will result ultimately to disorderly actions.

I helped the poor teacher rather than reprimand her. I knew better. When I met the mother sometime later, I re-explained to her what really would be the possible status of her son next academic year. She understood, and I hoped the adviser also did. I asked the latter if everything was okay, and she answered, yes. She then went out afterwards, obviously embarrassed of the whole fiasco. I sat down inside the faculty room and continued entertaining queries from our parents who were enrolling their children to first year. I reminded the other teachers that if they be through with everything, we would clean the room; however, I told them this one yesterday. They remembered because those who were already cleared of any obligation started cleaning their respective tables and cabinets.

Definitely, I just really knew who among our teachers were more organized than the others. If a teacher finished his work a lot earlier than expected of him, he must have been methodical and thorough in his approach of accomplishing tasks. Our seasoned teachers were like this. They were organized both in ways of thinking and acting. One neophyte teacher was also organized with her work. There were eight of us this afternoon cleaning and organizing back anew the faculty room. I hanged on the wall some History projects of the juniors. Two lady teachers swept the floor and another started cleaning all table tops. We placed all used materials inside individual boxes hoping some of them would be recycled for next school year. We were proud of what we accomplished this afternoon.

What happened today is a clear demonstration of how important organization is in accomplishing tasks efficiently and successfully. When one is not following a system of order in doing things, there is a greater possibility that a work will be accomplished half-baked. It is important to know, however, that organized action stems from an organized thinking. If one is confused with what really to do, then he does not also know how to do it. Another thing to consider is cooperation. Assigned tasks are accomplished easily if several people work on it in an orderly manner. Several people ease the burden of doing things; however, it is also very important to note that if these people who are cooperating with each other have disorganized thoughts, still nothing will be done. When the goal to accomplish is very clear in everyone’s mind, then each one will be working towards that goal. Organized thoughts accomplish the work.

PARTY DAMPSTER ON A HOT DAY

Task-oriented vs. People-oriented Leader

I hate meetings whenever they are unplanned. Usually an unplanned meeting is a looming disaster, a waste of time and one's presence. Yesterday, everyone was busy inside the faculty room. There were a few who were checking school forms before they would be submitted for approval. I was going through some of these form too. Everyone was doing something yesterday, busy, when suddenly we were informed that the school head wanted to have a meeting with us. Most of us chorused and asked what kind of meeting would it be - emergency or year-end? In my mind, if it would be an emergency meeting, then it would be another waste of time. One female co-teacher agreed with me.

I was hoping it would be the year-end meeting. I wanted the previous school year to end, so that I could plan out things and enjoy the longer school break. I have been so tired, I badly needed this break. My hoping was all wrong because the meeting indeed was emergency. There was only one agenda, if ever it could be called one. The school head wanted us to submit the curriculum map by April 19. Of course, it was out of timing, it was forced. We really had all the intention of submitting one, but the manner of asking came out in bad taste. The motivation was all wrong. He told us that at least we have to submit the curriculum evaluation for even the last two quarters because he would not want to be reprimanded for not submitting any. The motivation was so extrinsic, most of us pitied his naivety.

A leader can be task-oriented or he can be people-oriented. Task-oriented leaders always want the work to be done notwithstanding the feelings of people he is working with. He does not care so much the people around him. What he sees is the task that should be accomplished at his own prescribed time. He considers himself above everyone else in the group. His members seldom knows what he knows - this is what he often thinks. On the other hand, a people-oriented leader nurtures relationship. His first concern is not the task but rather the people working for the completion of the work in hand. He usually blends in the group; he does not stand out. He believes that all of the people in the organization where he belongs know where they are all going. I prefer this latter kind of leadership.

Most of my colleagues believe that our school head is so task-oriented. When he said that the curriculum map should be finished before the 19th when everyone was still busy finishing other tasks that came first, he was clearly disregarding how we would have felt hearing his not so good tidings. We knew long before that he have to do the curriculum map. We need not be reminded again. I am not a moron nor my colleagues are as imbecile as I am. We know where we stand with regards to the duties and responsibilities we have to perform as educators. We cannot leave room for errors here. We must be setting good examples to our students. We are supposed to leave today for a cross island tour, and he reminded us this one too. He asked yesterday who were joining the tour that would have left today. Nobody answered, so I blurted that no one liked to join. The meeting was adjourned. Ridiculous!

This is one of the reasons why I am resigning effective next school year. Unfortunately, I am a very people-oriented kind of person. I nurture relationship; I build bridges. I can't stand people who will boss my way around, not that I am not a good follower. I just want people to respect how I feel about things because I do the same to them. I strongly believe that for an organization to work successfully in accomplishing its goals, feelings and not just job performances should be also considered. It may even be given the topmost priority. I know this year I have not been my best self. I even consider this year my worst as a teacher and instructional leader. This is my second year with my so fickle-minded boss. I was able to cope with him during his first year. I gave up this year. He's incorrigible.

Today was so hot. The air conditioning system in the faculty room was not able to affect the warm feel inside. I think it was because of the tension in the air. No, we were not arguing at all. In fact the mood was one of friendly camaraderie. In my case, I felt violated as a person and a teacher. What took place yesterday was a clear demeaning of my capacity as a teacher and of my presence as a person. I am still today nurturing a disparaging heart. My co-teachers do too. I felt like a clueless child yesterday being played upon by a beguiling adult. I was hurt that I really stood up and aired what I felt. The curriculum map done at the end of the school year for compliance alone is as useless as it should not have been done at all. It is supposed to have been done to guide us teachers for re-aligning the curriculum for the next academic year; not simply because one does not want to be reprimanded for not submitting a course evaluation. I rested my case. The day was just too hot.

MENAGE A TROIS, BUT NOT WHAT YOU THINK

When Boys Simply are Boys

In a BBC news report yesterday, I was not at all surprised of the percentage of school children behaving badly, 54%. The report continued that there was also increased incidences of violence against teachers by both the parents and the students. I don't have to look very far. In our school too there is a significant number of student behaving badly enough to cause us teachers more problems. There is no single factor that can explain this behavior changes. It could be genetic, parental, social, economic, instructional - almost everything that touches children's lives has been considered a culprit. I can attest to the veracity of this assumption. When I went to school today, along the way and in school I met three students that proved this assumption correct.

This school year, our sophomore students have been a problem. Two sections have new teacher-advisers and these are the groups that have been causing me a lot of trouble. I even hurt myself in one occasion of class confrontation. The three students I met belonged to these classes. I have observed after 10 years in school that new teachers were always tested by students. They would not only like to know how good you are in instruction and class management. They would also like to test how patient you are. In my case, they got me figured out all wrongly. They tested me on how violently angry I could be. Because I would like to believe that the new teachers we have hired are competent enough in instruction, I have an inkling now that both teachers may have been so lenient with class management, and that both their patience have been tested to their wits' end.

It has long been studied and proven true that children growing in a dysfunctional family tend to have behavior problems later on in their lives. Children living away from both their parents live in a dysfunctional family. The first student I met today lives with his grandmother. He was transferred from the city to the province because of financial reasons. Both parents would like to save significant amounts of what they earned monthly. Deceptively, the child does not seem to have any behavior problem. He is more emotionally disturbed which he translates into age inappropriate actions and projects them to his classmates. He annoyingly commits minor infractions that have sexual connotations - sending nude pictures to classmates' phones and cracking innocent jokes with sex undertones. To a 14 year old pubertal boy, this could be the start of sexual deviancy, not to mention that he could physically hurt his classmates whenever he was angered - Hulk style.

The second boy I met also shares the same background as the Hulk - lives only with a mother. We do not have a clear reason of why he is relocated from the city to the province, and also where his father is. We just do not have the nerve to ask the boy where his father is thinking it might be offensive and intrusive on his self. This boy cannot just handle questions of this nature. His being a social outcast bordering in deviancy is his greatest problem. He may also have attention problems. He talks back to teachers, irritating them. He loves reprimands and welcomes them nonchalantly. He appreciates if the whole class suffers because of his misbehavior. He is always absent without valid reasons, and comes to school late everyday for 173 days. In as much as the school wants to help him, unfortunately we cannot get the mother to cooperate with us.

While I was signing papers, our school registrar got inside the office and told me that a mother was waiting outside. She wanted to talk to me about the third boy I met today. I want to understand this poor guy; however, he just rubs my elbow the opposite way. This repeater is every teacher's ultimate nightmare. With my height and built, I can very well bully students if I want, both being in authority and because of my size. Never have any students talked back to me disrespectfully not until this boy, who unfortunately has been well-provided by the mother. Again, his father is away, working abroad - another member of a dysfunctional family. He does not come back in the afternoon. He does not bring books, papers and notebooks, not even a pen to school. He talks back to me which irritates me so much. Not that I demand respect, but I think I deserve one. I gave his mother today a permit for him to take summer classes for subjects he failed last year and this year. He failed in one last year. He failed in two this year. We will not accept him back next year.

It cannot be denied that behavior problems may be school related. They may even be teacher-induced. Discounting the fact that these three students may have misbehaved because of the school and their respective teachers, the one common factor all three shared is being a part (or actually non-part) of a dysfunctional family. The family forms the first immediate environment of the child. Because behavior is predominantly influenced by the surrounding of the child, whenever, therefore, a family does not serve its nurturing, supporting and caring functions to all its members, then a misbehaved child is in order. However organized societal structures like to modify this child's behavior, he sees the world dichotomously because his very own small world, his family, does not seem to conform with what societal norms, mores and culture expect from him.

Before, teaching has been so fulfilling for me. Today, it does not hold any wonder for me at all. Our sole purpose as an educational institution is concretely etched in our vision and mission as a school. I measure my accomplishment as a teacher whenever I can bring my students closer to the vision the school and the community have for them. This school year was very frustrating. I would like to believe that we have done our best, our all, to convey this students closer to what we want them to be; however, we failed dismally. Minor infractions and misbehavior haunt us. Again this could be school in origin, but this could also have parental, societal and even economic reasons. Because the school is just another part of a student's total self, definitely, the solution to this misbehavior among students is not of the school alone. It is of the parents and of society too, but please, let us not blame economic recession.

WHEN DICK CRIED, SOAK NOT THE PANTS

Taint the Cross not Redder with Blood

I have never believed in any group fighting for freedom. The world is free. Most of the world's citizens are free. When any group of people converge in the name of freedom, usually there is an ulterior motive. More often than not, the motive is self-serving. This is what I believe all the MILF, JI and AQ are. These men who live by thwarted principles in life swear to fight for freedom for the minority. I don't think so and I don't want to believe that they do indeed. Lately, they held hostage leading ICRC community leaders in Sulu. There were three of them - one Filipina, one Swiss and one Italian. When the news broke, it sent a resounding outrage throughout the country.

My mother is of Moslem descent and she told me that educated Moslems are often misunderstood. It is because of the illiterate Moros that the educated Moslems were unfortunately misunderstood. These Moros (the Moslem outlaws) hate hard work and whenever they see others doing well because of diligence, patience and industry, they will harassed them (mostly Christians) and try to grab their lands. This is purportedly the start of the Moro-Christian war way down south in Mindanao. It is never a conflict because of religion, never was and never will it be. Simply put, the lack of education pushed these people to betray their own selves and their Christian neighbors.

For the past five years, there is a steady increase in the number of kidnappings attributed to either the MILF or the JI. Mostly the victims are foreign nationals. Some are Filipinos. The former usually fetch higher ransom, but seldom is real money exchanged. The latter command a measly sum, not even in dollars; however, ransom money is usually exchanged. The kidnapping, however, of the ICRC officials literally brought the house down and might go down the annals as the most unkind, ridiculous, embarrassing, un-Christian - a sacrilege. What intelligent group of people fighting for justice and freedom dares hold captive Red Cross members who are working hard to help alleviate the pain in life, the hardships? How can they call themselves freedom loving people fighting for a just cause? Simply, they are bandits, high land thieves and robbers who take advantage on the generosity and kindness of others.

The callousness of the kidnappers and the seemingly irrational offensive strategy of the government forces sent our own Red Cross chief, Senator Dick Gordon, to tears. He felt for the kidnapped volunteer ICRC members. He felt betrayed both by the MILF and the government. How dare the uneducated Moros hold captive these ICRC volunteers! They are not materially rich as what the kidnappers blindy believed them to be. What all these three have in common is a big heart to help. The government should have realized this. When the MILF wanted the military forces to halt their offensive, I think the government should have listened and told so the military. The government was a little bit hesitant though, at first, but ultimately gave in too. This was, however, after putting the lives of the kidnapped victims in too much risk and making Senator Gordon cry.

If I have my way and after every kidnapped victim has been released, I will order an all out offensive against these uneducated Moros. Their presence and their activities obviously have been the sole reason why Moslem Mindanao has not been as progressive as the other provinces down south. This group of men engages in terrorist acts and tactics sowing fear among the civilians. This alone is a reason enough to fire these men into oblivion. They have also put the country in a very embarrassing situation in the international scene. When PGMA has been proudly broadcasting in all four corners of the world our continued efforts to curve terrorism in the country, this recent kidnapping incident is a blatant display of how futile our effort is. Have we really and sincerely tried our best? I don't think so. I just hope the Cross will not be Redder with blood...after.

I SHOULD BE CUT...

My Frustration, My Resignation

I have explicitly stated in my personnel information sheet, which we were asked to fill up in my first year of service, that I will serve the school for ten years at least. This presupposes that after serving the school for ten years, my contractual commitment to the school expires. In this respect, I would like to tender my resignation as one of the employees of the school effective but not earlier than one month after receipt of this letter.

After continually serving the school for ten years, I need to rest a while because I now feel physically tired and psychologically drained. Lately, it has always been an effort for me to wake up early and prepare myself for school. It seems as if the number of hours I slept was never enough. I have poor control of my elevated blood pressure although I am on some oral anti-hypertensive medication. I am stressed out.

Furthermore, I have been acting strangely lately. I cannot tolerate noise and minor student infarctions. I constantly change my mind. I am no longer fixed with my decisions. I make big problems out of simple lapses. I am sad. I compensate this by eating more. I have never been so confused about myself. I only find peace of mind when I am at home, when I shut myself totally from outside. I feel myself melting from within out.

Both of these - physical exhaustion and brain drain - have prevented me from becoming a good instructional leader, to say the least. Juggling my eight-hour school time between teaching students and managing instruction left me so tired. This year has been my worst both as a teacher and as an instructional leader. In fact, I have been more a teacher this year than an instructional leader. This has greatly and adversely affected the school as a learning institution in general. My performance this year is left to be desired.

My problem, however, is not solely school-based. I have even more personal problems tocontend with. Firstly, the relationship problem of my parents left me choosing which to side. My mother, who I live all alone with and who suffers from frequent chest pains, always keeps me uptight. Secondly, it was and has always been my desire to travel and visit places, learn the culture of other people and appreciate their heritage and traditions. I still have to fulfill this dream though lofty it may be. Thirdly, the free spirit in me is nagging for me to explore beyond where I am now - outside my comfort zone - to jump out of the box. I want to go back to serving the least, the last and the lowest of the town (where I was before). I missed so much my previous work as a social worker - dealing with innocent children and their unpretentious parents.

Though it is a reflection of my poor performance as an instructional leader, I feel I am losing control over the students, the teacher...and worse, even over my own self. As a classroom teacher, I cannot seem to make the students read their Computer manuals. As the principal, I cannot even make the teachers submit their lesson plans regularly and on time. As to my own self, I am barely holding on to my wit's end. Though embarrassing, I have so many times burst into child-like tantrum display hurting me in one occasion. I cannot think and I cannot afford to happen that such an irrational outburst later on will hurt students and jeopardize the good name of the school which the previous teachers have painstakingly etched.

My presence in the school has become a deterrent rather than an encouraging sight. People outside may have seen me as a valuable, mission-critical and vision-oriented personnel. They are wrong and I do not want to live with their delusions. One thing, however, remains true. I have and will always be grateful to the school and to all the people I have worked with. My working in the school and the opportunities afforded to me were of no equal. I grow and bear fruit; however, like any other tree that grows old with time, it has to be cut, lumbered and packaged anew. And such will also be my case.

IT IS HARD, SO I HAVE TO KEEP UP

...Life That Is

The world today is not as vast as before. Because of the Internet, everyone and everything are just a mouse-click away, to quote my post-grad professor. Whatever happens and wherever it might be can be readily viewed or accessed in either cable TV broadcast or the Internet. Today, there is information deluge that to me it is quite a puzzle if still people act as if they evolved with the apes thousands of years ago. Precisely, this was what irritated me so much yesterday-people who are not just dumb but also very insensitive. Well in good, I woke up in the right side of the bed today. There are just things last night and today that definitely have proven me wrong about how dumb people can be.

Yesterday, in college, I had my final examination for Ed Tech 2. The course basically requires education students to manipulate the computer and the Internet to help improve classroom instruction and make other school related work a lot easier when they become real teachers soon. We hold classes inside the computer room, obviously. The exam I prepared for yesterday required me to save some PPT and Excel files in the computer. The students, following directions, would have to open these files for the questions and would write their answers in the answer sheet I would have distributed. The entire work would have been easier if not for some dumb students who literally competed with me yesterday.

There were students yesterday with me inside the computer room rehearsing their PPT presentations which served as their final exam for another course. I told them I would be using the computers and that they had to get out in order for me to finish saving the files earlier because my exam would be due anytime soon. They did not listen, and this irked me so much. How can students be so dumb, insensitive and downright rude? What I feared more was that they might not have understood what I asked of them because I did it in English. If it was the latter case, then it was indeed so sad, so pathetic. No wonder we are churning out professionals that are inefficient as hell in the real labor world and as dumb as a person can be in the academic circle.

When I got home, my house help told me that somebody alerted her that there would be a power failure at 8 last night. I did not believe her nor did I reprimand her for getting a wrong information. However, I would have like to dress down the person who misinformed her. They must have been referring to the Earth hour wherein people all around the world will have to turn off lights and any other electronic devices not crucial to work. This is a world-wide activity led by the WWF as a sign of voting for Mother Earth's sustainable existence. It is not primarily to save electricity, but in so doing we are indeed reducing combustion of organic material. This is very noble and the idea appeals so much to me. The way dumb people misinterpreted it though was feeble.

I did wake up in the right side of the bed today. Maybe I got so carried by the Earth hour last night, I woke up with a hangover of it. I do not want to profess myself as one of those working hard for Mother Earth. I do not deserve the honor, but I go green in my own little ways. I ate my hearty breakfast at 8 and viewed the weekend news review from both CNN and BBC. Later today I am supposed to do some house cleaning for my nephew's birthday bash on April 1. I decided to do the cleaning and preparation earlier. My mom asked me to even change the curtains which I willingly obliged. Before, I hated this work so much. I just didn't have the patience to string those frilly drapes into their respective rods. I finished before lunch. I was still able to take a shower before I prepared my favorite fish omelet.

I love my day today for whatever reason, I don't know. I just feel so contented with how everything goes today. I slept last night without thinking anything of what would I do or what would happen today. I slept peacefully contented with how life was so far yesterday. Although there were some glitches due to how dumb and insensitive others were, but as reality bites I could not do more than accept the fact that life indeed is complex, hard to understand. I should not be affected anymore by how others are around me. I should learn how to live with their follies and insensitivity. Life with me just have to go on. I must have to move on with life, however dumb it can be, however hard it can still get.

VOYEURISTIC DELIGHT THROUGH A GLASS DOOR

I Am Intimidatingly Bad Today

Yesterday, we were visited by my Grade VI teacher. She was one of my best grade school teachers. She taught me English very well. She was also a disciplinarian. She did not care more the student but understanding the subject matter was her top priority. She was more subject rather than student centered teacher. But I had no regrets. I learned a lot from her and I grew to be a more responsible(?) person because of how she made us behave and conduct ourselves before.

On somewhat like a motherly joke, she told me that our students were not courteous. This did not come as a total surprise to me. I myself can vouch that most of our students lack courtesy. Coming from my former teacher, however, the comment left a sour aftertaste. Last year, she also visited and observed that our senior class was noisy. Two points or the lack of it, I do care. This may be a reflection on how bad I was as an instructional leader and school administrator. I would like to be sad, but I believed we have done our best.

So, I staged my early resurrection today - Friday the 13th of March. I become the resurrected teacher from hell this morning, and all of hell, thus, broke loose. No! Do not think I got back on my students because of my former teacher's comment. Only angels think of that, and I know you are not. My purpose was to make them realize what I have long been thinking about them. This time, however, and sadly, it took somebody from outside to affirm what I have told them already. Was I sad about everything? Nope, I felt vindicated that I was indeed right from the very start.

Before the morning ceremonies, I started my torment. Loudly blaring in the school's PA system, I announced what my favorite grade school teacher has just affirmed, that they, our students, lack good manners. I also added that because we have done so much and almost everything to instill upon them the manners and the conduct befitting an educated person, there could only be three reasons why they remained uncivilized brutes: 1) Their parents failed to teach them manners, 2) Their parents are setting the bad example, and 3) Their family is confused of what are good and what are bad manners. So sad...we have to throw the blame now back home.

As if my blaring torment fell on deaf ears, as I was sitting inside the faculty room, several students kept on getting back and forth inside the room without even having their presence acknowledged, much more asked permission if they be allowed to enter. This irked me so much that I reprimanded one girl student to her utter embarrassment. I liked the latter part so much. I improvised a sign of "No Entry" and hanged it on the faculty room door. To my voyeuristic delight, students just stopped dead by the glass door, instead of barged in, only to eavesdrop who were inside the room. Foolishly interesting!

I would like to laugh at how child-like I have reacted with the sad comment and the reactions of our students. I knew it did not help the problem. It rather made the problem worse. But it is human's sadistic nature to find so much delight in the torment of others. I felt so happy with what happen today. Could it be that indeed I was from hell before I got reincarnated (or should it be resurrected) as the good-altar-boy teacher? I knew I have violent, sadistic tendencies. I can control them; however, being elated by tormenting others, lately, were all my heart is craving for.

Welcome, Hellboy!