OF THE GARDEN OF ROSES

Knowing Myself Inside and Out

I grew up not with happy childhood memories. Fortunately, I was less affected by these haunting memories. However, there were times that these haunted me back. I should not have myself drowned by them. It has been my constant struggle to stay afloat. I would sometimes be so depressed that my feeling of doom stayed with me even for more than a week. Even if how I looked at things and circumstances positively, I would still be sad of these situations that I could hardly get out of them. I always ran away and never faced them squarely like a brave man that I should have been.

Until I met Julian. He started with a fable which took place in a garden. The garden according to him is my mind. If properly nurtured it could bloom in wondrous shades of color. In order for me to move on from my past, I have to change first my perception of things. There were just too many negative thoughts I am carrying between my shoulders. They have been wearing me out constantly and fast. I should control my mind before it will fully enslave me into oblivion.

There were three important things I have learned in the garden: focus on the heart of the rose, think in opposition and see myself clearly in a glass lake. I have to exercise my control over my mind. I should not let the external environment rob me of my clear thinking. I should see deeper more than just the rose bloom. If, however, negative thoughts and feelings start to overwhelm me, I have to think in opposition of these thoughts and feelings. See things in different angle, clear my perspective. Lastly, I should not forget to look at my reflections in the glass lake. These are reflections of my dreams - not who I was before, but who I am today and how great I can be in the future.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE CHILDREN GONE?

Flores de Mayo as it is no longer as it was

I first learn God and the story of creation, and all that are in the Bible from my Lola Erang. She's not my grandmother actually; she is my aunt. When I was around eight years old, I attended her catechism classes done every May. In these classes, school age children were taught basic Christian prayers in preparation for the first communion, which usually happened by the end of this merry month. I could still remember going to the church after each class, joining other children in honoring the Blessed Mother in a month-long prayer known as the Flores de Mayo. After the mass, we then formed lines to receive attendance tabs which we exchanged for school supplies on day of our first communion. I missed those days not for the fun of them, but today, simply for its significance to my life as an adult.

This afternoon I attended again the Flores de Mayo. For many years now, I have observed that children who attended the novena became less and less. I was so sad today because there were even more beatas than children inside the church. I was consoled though because I saw some of my students there. They were volunteer cathechists. I wanted to ask what happened to the children. Where have all the children gone? I hesitated because I knew they could not also provide me with an answer. It was beyond theirs. It was even way beyond those people inside the church this afternoon. A lot of probable answers danced in my mind. All of them realizations of how much the older generation have taken for granted this significant event in a child's life - the Flores de Mayo and the memories that come with it.

This afternoon was the only afternoon again that I joined other children for the Flores de Mayo. Have I been too engrossed with life and the illusion that comes with living that I failed to go back to my authentic child self? When I was young, I believed that life was to be enjoyed and that life had nothing but happiness to offer us all. It was when I started going againt this law of nature that I started to suffer pain. I went against what nature has long wanted me to be, to believe. I envied the children this afternoon, all smiles waving their lithe armes on air with flowers clasped on hand. Theirs were smile of utter innocence, of that childhood belief that life is beautiful...but there were only few of them and I was not even one.

CAMIGUIN...AN ISLAND BORNE OF FIRE

Summer Perks...Thanks to UbD

You were not in Camiguin until you had been to the White Island, actually a sand bar off Mambajao. We went there early to catch the sun, not to burn under it

In background is Mt. Hibok-hibok as seen from the "Island"

'Can't help but jump with joy

I did not miss to take a dip

My first side trip - Katibawasan Falls in Mambajao, Camiguin

Site of the Panaad, a cross-province Lenten observance

Purportedly this is an underwater graveyard, the Sunken Cemetery

16th Century Church Ruins at Guiob, Bonbon, Catarman

Soda Swimming Pool at Catarman, Camiguin

"Tres Marias" - a cluster of volcanoes in Catarman

Sto. Nino Cold Spring still in Catarman, Camiguin

At Fishpen, a restaurant by the lagoon in Mahinog, Camiguin

RSM Sisters tendered dinner for my last night in Camiguin

HOPE. RECONCILIATION. PEACE

More Than What My Teachers Taught Me...

Last December I read Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson. Mortenson is an American mountain climber who failed to scale K2 but succeeded in bringing hope to thousands of Afghan girls by building schools. He believes that educating children (not indoctrinating) is the elusive solution the world has been grappling ever since the US led invasion against the Talibans. This wisdom coming from a non-educator humbles me. Four years ago in the 2006 souvenir program I pessimistically ended my first paragraph with a note that the power education has is spiraling down the drain. After reading Mortenson, I acknowledge my mistake. I failed to see the values of hope, reconciliation and peace my teachers have taught me. I was blinded by the myth that education is the cure-all to poverty. Education gives hope. It is this belief in the unseen that will make us rich, not materially but in love, in reconciliation and in peace. Progress and development can only be achieved where peace and harmony abound.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.
- Dale Carnegie

Hope I have once read is the belief in the unseen, the waiting for things longed for. It survives us in our daily struggles in life. Mortenson believes that education gives hope. Rizal believes that the youth is the hope of the nation. An educated youth therefore is hope twice as much. Thirty two years ago, I first learned hope from Ma’am Joven Buenconsejo. She made me memorize Away in the Manger and told me its message – hope – the coming of Jesus. Four years after, Ma’am Elena Osorio nurtured this seed of hope in my heart and a year after, Ma’am Susie Zambrano inspired me how hope made her who she is now. Most of my classmates today survive life because of what these three teachers have sown, nurtured and seen to fruition. We were made to hope, continue hoping. This one great lesson I have passed on my students. I believe that survivors live because they continue to hope.

Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past.
- Alexa Young

Being baptized Christians, we share in Jesus’ kingly nature. A king does not rule his people but serve them. One cannot however serve if he does not forgive; hence, a king forgives and serves. Jesus is both. I was placed in the second section when I was in Grade III. Ma’am Sincera Dueñas told me not to be angry but see the reason why (which became clearer as I aged). Unbeknownst to me, she was teaching me forgiveness. The next year, I learned more to forgive from Ma’am Carmen Legaspi. It was not from her three-days-of-darkness story but in the way she cared us her pupils. It was in high school with Ma’am Vangie Cisneros that I saw forgiveness. Being a young teacher, her ideas were not always considered. In silence, she bared her soul to us and forgave them who had hurt her. I have learned from these teachers not to harbor ill intent in my heart but see the motivation of others’ actions. They lived Jesus’ example and in their living out forgiveness, I learned reconciliation.

Women who have an education are not likely to condone their son getting into violence.
- Greg Mortenson

Violence is characteristic of a cultureless uncivilized society. When violence erupts somewhere, we conclude that people there are uneducated. This is true, sadly. Situations dictate violence. However, when one is schooled, a student learns that situations never control. A human being controls the situation and so he does with emotion. Peace because of non-violent thoughts and actions I learned very well from Ma’am Inday Legaspi. She instilled in my mind what order is and what one deserves if order is disturbed. Ma’am Dolores Almagro is an epitome of peace. I learned from her, graciousness of words. From both Ma’am Pompeia Carin and Ma’am Rosal Saniel I learned how to temper violence with humility, charm and wit. War can only be won if children are educated that the world is supposed to exist in peace and the people, in peaceful co-existence. For sure, I am not the only one who has realized this after going through years in school.

We are in our penultimate year as Catholics emulating for almost three centuries the Christian values of peace and reconciliation lived by Sr. San Guillermo de Aquitania. Besides the Church and our families, we have also the school to thank for where we are now as people of God and what we have accomplished so far. Education has always played a pivotal role in any civilized society. Sadly though, education and our accomplishments have seemed to reach a nadir. Why are families disintegrating? Why are the Church and her members divided? Why is the government struggling? Why has peace continued to elude us? Why has the country lagged behind among ASEAN nations? I am an educator and I am shamed. We, teachers, have our share of blame. Only a few of my teachers before are regrettably living to witness how the hope of the fatherland has become hopeless. My great teachers before have never failed. They have lived up beyond the education myth…but what about us, the newer generation of pedagogues? Do we share with the greatest Teacher the passion to change the lives of our countless students? Please keep the hope alive!

MANHANDLING: MEN IN UNIFORM

As Idiot as Anybody Can Be

Man being both rational and irrational animal is capable of emotional outburst, anger and violence. These irrational behaviors if uncontrolled can result to tragic consequences. When people started to live in groups thus giving birth to early civilizations, they felt the need for a certain group of people, maybe the fast and the burly ones, to maintain peace and order within the group. This people would also be responsible for securing the integrity of the group from outside invasion. The first policemen were thus born. Today, policemen in most civilized society are held in high regard and respect because of the inherent danger of their work and the great contribution they have in the progress of society. No society in modern time can prosper without first maintaining peace and order within. Policemen are, therefore, needed for modern civilization to thrive.

The art of policing was created because there was a great need to secure peace and order within a group. Policemen until today are seen as people society can rely on for protection. Because of this obligation, we cannot help but look up to them with much awe and admiration. Just lately, however, the world has seen a new art of policing. Instead of protect-ing the people, they have become the instrument of pain, shame and death to others. When the wife of a famous Filipino broadcaster was shoot, all the suspected housemates and the husband were plucked unceremon-iously from either at home or in the hospital by the police. During the aborted ASEAN Summit which was held in Pataya, Thailand, the police were supposed to secure the heads of state of the Southeast Asian nations. They failed miserably to utter shame of Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva. To date five people died after the G20 Summit in London purportedly because of police manhandling of the Summit protesters. Families were hurt, leaders were shamed and people died. Could this be the new art of policing?

When news broke that the wife of Ted Failon was shoot in the head, I was surprised, as if this things could not happen to people like them. A letter showing telltale signs of disturbed thinking was left behind. I have no doubt it was suicide, but this still has to be proven wrong. When everyone including the husband was grieving, the policemen led by their arrogant arresting officer plucked unceremoniously the husband, the sister, the house helpers and the driver of the victim. Along the course of the chaotic investigation, suspects were arrested without reading them their rights as accused. Still grieving for the loss of a sister, Pamela was arrested in the hospital for obstruction of justice. A brother was also arrested for obstructing arrest. All these were done with extraordinary use of brute force. Arrests can be done without hurting the accused. The policemen, who looked like idiots to me, had only hurting people in their minds when the arrest was made. They are now a subject of too many investigations. Well in good!

Every two years heads of state of the Southeast Asian nations meet in a forum aptly named the ASEAN Summit. They discuss problems of the region and course its future in relation with the whole world. The organization is one of the strongest among nations in the world. Sadly, this year's summit in Pataya, Thailand was aborted because of disorderly violent behavior of the protesters. Why were there protesters near the venue of the summit? According to report, the police were not able to contain the protesters. The protesters were unruly and violent; however, the police (I think) were told to adopt maximum tolerance against them. But when people become violent, shouldn't it be that violence begets violence. I am not for violence, but the police could have shown more determination and brawn to ward off the protesters before their number could have escalated into something beyond control. The new Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva has no other option but to abort the summit to protect the leaders. This to his embarrassment to ASEAN and the whole world. He was left with no other option but to declare a state of emergency. This incident would not have happened if the Thai police were not as idiot as they looked on TV screen. What a shame!

Like the ASEAN, the group of 20 first world countries also meet regularly for the G20 Summit. This year London was the host and one of their main agenda was the global economic recession. Unlike the Thai police, the London counterpart did a much better job of warding off the protesters. From news reports, however, the G20 protesters were less unruly and violent. They were easily contained and the summit ended with minimal problem, as I thought. But I was wrong. To date there were five deaths related to police manhandling of the protesters. What really saddened me was the news of a family man who died because of internal bleeding. He was not a protester. Only that his path going home would have him crossing beyond the police barricade. He insisted on crossing but was shoved to the concrete pavement. Later on that day, he collapsed. They thought he died of heart attack. Post mortem examination showed he died of massive internal bleeding which could have been triggered by his fall. When an innocent family man died in the hands of the police, this should be investigated. How come people we are supposed to run to for help are now hurting us?

With all these police manhandling and lapses, are we now seeing the advent of Robocops - cops with muscle sans the brain and the heart. In early civilization, the police were to maintain peace and order. They are the people's protector. In modern times people have changed though that in some not so civil society, the police even needs the people's protection. This, however, goes against the very essence of the police and its function. What the modern world needs are policemen with brute force that is tempered down by rational decision and a kind heart. We cannot afford a weakling to police us, but we cannot also allow muscle and brawn without brain and heart to roam the street hurting the innocent people instead of protecting them. The world has to wake up now. Could it be possible that there is also a summit for policemen and the art of policing. I read that there is one, but how many of the millions of policemen attended? The Philippines sent a few delegation to Russia, but brought with them thousands of euros. Are policemen corrupt too? This is another story obviously.

WHEN CAN WE REALLY BE HAPPY?

Lenten Retreat: A Reflection


Retreat is just simply rest from the worldly concerns. Resting in a retreat does not, however, mean doing nothing and just relaxing from the worldly cares. While on a retreat, we focus ourselves on our past experiences. Since it deals with the past, we should take a break in our busy lives and look back in the past. For a successful retreat, we must have a deeper philosophy about true happiness, eternal love, and great faith to help us assess our lives.

When can we tell we are happy? Is it when we are with our friends, families, and our special someone? Does the fulfillment of our dreams bring us happiness? Is having fame, glory, and power a happy life? There are multitude of ways of measuring, quantifying happiness. Since happiness is abstract and appeals ony to the emotion, such measures always fail though. Happiness is very subject. It is fleeting to others but eternal and forever to some. It may just simply be joy or it may be catharsis.

I tell you, happiness depends not outside but inside of us. If we truly desire happiness, we should not want it but we should be willing to lose everything for the Supreme Master. However, we must lose all attachments to our wants not instantly but gradually. These attachments with things or other people whom we would not want to lose are our own demise. For us not to be unhappy, we should surrender everything and everyone to Him, even our lives.

Love is a mystery in itself. It comes unexpected in our lives. It leads us to do things we never know we could. The same is true with loving a person like your parents, siblings, friends or a more special friend. But once you love a person and never let go, then I tell you that what you feel is not love but a selfish fruit of your self-love. As humans, we are lovers and we think that if we do not love ourselves then we also do not love others. On the contrary, it is when we love Him that we will follow Him and we will be able to love like Him — a selfless kind of love.

Above all, my fellow Christians, it is with great faith that we will be able to fill the spiritual void in us. With faith, we can strengthen our love and attain a happier life. If we are happy, we are also contented more than mere satisfaction can bring. If we love, we are also concerned with others that we are willing to lose them for the better good. Finally, if we have faith in God we will be truly happy and eternally in love with Him through ourselves, through others, and through everything else. Amen…

(With loving thanks to my former student, Biboy.)

ALL BY MYSELF THIS HOT LENTEN SEASON

The Luxury of Being All Alone


Tomorrow, Sunday, ushers the start of the Holy Week. To the Christian world, this is the most important celebration and the holiest of all. The entire week is devoted to prayer, fasting and penance. This also commemorates the passion, death and resurrection of Christ. Unfortunately, because it is a long holiday, most people rather see it as one long summer vacation, devoid of any religious meaning. Families usually go out of town, visit relatives in the province and hopefully celebrate Lent there. Friends and workmates usually get together in an outdoor fun and frolic. They either go to beaches or climb mountains. Because it would also be too hot, most people really decide to spend Holy Week where the beach is or where there is much cooler weather. I will spend mine just at home.

I have nothing especial planned for the Holy Week. There is nothing so extraordinary with the way I observe Lent. I do go to church, but I seldom join religious activities prepared for the occasion. I am not a very religious person, but I do have a very strong faith in my God. I usually just stay inside the house, read a lot of books and maybe blog a lot this time. I stayed with my Mom in the house. She often observes piously the Holy Week. I am usually left in the house all alone whenever she attends masses intended for the season. We do fast and because of this I have all my time in the kitchen concocting whatever meat-free dish I can manage from what is inside the ref. This may be boring to some, but because I love being alone, I find the Holy Week the most opportune time to reflect all about myself.

I love to be alone. I treasure my time so much whenever I am all alone. It is only when I am far from people when I get to refocus myself, think clearly of the future. It is only when I am all alone when I can reminisce the past and reflect on what has happened so far in life. Being alone is different from being isolated though. I don't want to be isolated and I don't want to live in isolation - out of contact with any living being. I am basically a people person. I thrive well when in group. I can lead well too and I can always be the life of any party. However, just like any person, I get tired too with people. I just need to be alone and the Holy week to me is the best time for this. I got to be in touch with my faith. I got to be in touch with myself. I tend to forget the people around. I am just free, all alone by myself.

There are just so many things that have happened to me. Some in the remote past, I still cannot forget. A few memorable events have just happened more recently which were all still very clear to my mind. These memories maybe happy or sad. They may have been triumphs of spirit or cries of defeat. Whenever I am all alone, I think about all these memories, reflect on their meanings, their implications to my life and what I have to do for the future. I have to learn from the lessons of these memories. They may be figments of the past today; however, they can be the best lessons to be learned for the future. I don't have the luxury to reminisce, to learn from the mistakes of the past unless I am all alone, not lonely nor isolated - just plainly all alone.

Because I am not into ritualistic tedium of my religion, I can never be seen outside as pious as I am in spirit. During the Lenten season, I do go to church but I don't indulge myself into so many sacrificial work of penance. I do fast but I don't have to show it to others. In fact during the Holy Week I appear as I am like any ordinary day. I do not do so much. I just usually stay home. Go to the beach and maybe explore the sands. Read a lot and reflect on life. I treasure my being all alone. It would be a luxury today to be all alone with yourself and to yourself. Seldom will one find time and place which allow one to bask in glorious aloneness. To a few people the Holy Week is, sadly, fun and frolic. To the religious and pious, a time for penance and sacrifice. To me, it is to be alone, to be with myself - thinking of the past, charting the future.

SEX, SECURITY, INTIMACY, ESTEEM

Ambling Myself to Self-Actualization

I woke up late today and on the right side of the bed. I just took my morning coffee and some chocolate cookies. I would have liked to take a full breakfast; however, I hated to prepare it. I was just too famished. After, to kill the time, I cut my fingernails. I would have liked my nails done professionally. I just don't have the time to tarry along with the manicurist. She's too loud, I hate her whenever she opens her mouth. I have to look for another one to do my nails next time. My sister arrived to chat with my brother who was planning to purchase a prime property consisting of a house and lot. I knew my brother, and I just could not imagine him buying such. He once told me that a house (but not a lot) is a bad investment, and I agree with him.

I live in our ancestral house. I pride myself as the heir apparent to it, although I have to relinquish it someday to whomever can be trusted to take good care of it. I had, therefore, no other obligation but to keep the house in good condition today while I stay there. Maintaining the house in pristine condition and always spic and span though cost a sizable amount of money. Through time, obviously, a house deteriorates. Not unless one rents it or accept boarders and lodgers will one earn from a house. A house is simply not meant for one to earn an income, rather it is an investment that depreciates with time and demands a significant amount of money to maintain in good condition. My brother was right, and I was right too. If there be any consolation, at least I was made the caretaker of the ancestral house.

Ours is a small family but I am quite appalled by the idea that we own quite a number of cars. I never drive too much and everywhere I go is accessible by walking. Even my place of work is just a 30 minute walk. I do not own these cars. These are my father's. At home, we have the Prado and the Sportiva. In my sister's, they have the Estrada, the HiAce and the multipurpose cab. Our youngest sister has the Corolla and the Pajero. This is not to mention that my other brother drives his own Pajero. My father and my brother-in-law love cars. I don't. I have lived in the city for quite a number of years. Walking to me then was a luxury. Now, that I live in this laid back southern town, I can always indulge in one of man's most neglected pleasures - walking. Whenever I walk home from work in the afternoon, it is such a bliss.

I am not on houses nor on cars. I also do not dig in to high tech gadgets. I only have my laptop, a bedroom computer and another one in the living room. The laptop for work, the bedroom for personal use, and the living room for games. I have never bought myself a cellular phone. I have only three ever since the craze started. All were gratis et amore. The first unit I have, a Nokia 6210, was from our youngest sister. She loved the size but later on opted for a unit with a built-in camera. I have a new phone now, a Nokia 2630, which was also given to me by my other younger sister. No fancy TV at home. I own a portable DVD player though and a simple CD player. The latter cost me only $20, and still it is crooning nice music for me. I take good care of anything I own, especially those that were just given to me.

I am just happy that I have transcended the first four human needs according to Maslow. I consider myself still young, but I am proud to say that what I need today go beyond safety, love and esteem. I do not hold on to material possessions because these are no longer the things that make me happy. Any kind of house will do for me, but cars, I don't need them. The latter just get into too many troubles in a country like ours where even blinds can get a driver's license. The phone was a welcomed gift; however, I can very well live without them. In fact, I seldom open my phone. It's always close. I maintain contact though with some close acquaintances, and all my appointments are usually scheduled and well-finalized. Should something go awry with them and my other engagements, people can send me an e-mail or better chat with me in real time.

I have found it that the less I am connected with material possessions, the less complicated becomes my life. I have more important concerns than a clogged drain or a sagging ceiling. I hate renewing car registrations in an office besieged with so much corruption. It's too suffocating talking with public officers who think more of the bribe rather than the engine number of my car. If I like my vehicle registration processed on time, then I have to bribe my way a lot faster and more than my car consumes gas. With my cellular phone, only the service providers get richer faster because of the too many advertising promos any sane person can handle in one day. My mother even thought cellular phone companies steal phone loads. I find this funny, but may be true. Because today I am no longer so attached with these material frills in life, my life has just gotten much better. My problem with my students though is another story!