FEED THE MANIAC IN ME

A Blind Leading the Blinds Not Astray

I am a self-proclaimed egomaniac. The reasons will now be a lot easier to understand because I am no longer angry writing. I have written before that I am one; however, I was so angry then that maybe I might have been really rambling. I hope that after I will have explained my reasons why, I am vindicated. It sound so bad calling oneself an egomaniac. I may not fit in the mold of one, but I feel that way and I am proud of it. I worked hard to become a good teacher. I am always known to be a good English teacher. I am not an English major; I am a Science major, so I teach English the way I learn English as a non-native speaker of the language. Today, again I have been affirmed to be really good in what I do, that is teaching English.

As what I have said, I am not a language teacher. I am a biologist and a medical doctor. I read a lot, and we speak English at home more often than most families. Before I became a full time HS teacher, I have always been invited to talk among teenagers, to host programs and to judge extemporaneous speech contests. I also write articles in our monthly local paper and speeches for different occasions for politicians. Thus, I have been known to be better in English than the others. During my second year as a full time teacher, our senior English teacher (Rhetoric and Research) resigned. The remaining language teachers did not want to take the subject, so the principal offered it to me. I fully well knew both rhetoric and research are difficult, much more to teach students both. Still I gamely accepted the assignment. I like challenges.

Obviously, in my first year of teaching it was all an uphill climb for both my students and me. After three more years of teaching and after my Master's degree, I was able to write the English IV book based on the prescribed curriculum but contextualized. The book went on to four revisions (that is yearly), so we have an improved edition every year. I taught English for seven years and within these years I became the regional coordinator for English for special purposes. I co-authored our national English curriculum. I prepared the grade I and fourth year English syllabi, and I also gave seminar-lectures on how to teach English the rogue way including English portfolios by students. It was only last year that I stopped teaching English IV.

I have been hearing positive comments and feedbacks regarding our school's English program, from grade school to high school. I was very happy about it most specially when our graduates also were very fulfilled with their individual portfolios and their respective performances in college. Four of our alumni graduated last March with high honors, all of them finishing degrees that are related to the English language. When they (alumni) heard that I was no longer teaching English IV, they were perturbed by the idea why I gave up teaching senior English. I told them I have some reservations with the current seniors (who have just graduated last March). I though help them prepare their term papers, but I failed to motivate them well to work harder for their individual research.

I was so happy today. One parent asked me to teach English IV again next year. She told me her daughters are very good in research because of what I taught them. I was so flattered because the mother herself is an English teacher, a grade school English teacher. She's good and I know it takes one to know one. I scored one point for this. Before lunch, I scored another point. An alumnus arrived to get his younger brother's report card. He told me he was a little bit frustrated with the English program of the university where he is currently enrolled at. Besides his professor not so dedicated to the course, he felt he knew writing more than his teacher. When he asked about which citation guide to use in their research, the professor answered that he could use anything. He was sure that the teacher did not think about his answer. What he feared worse was the professor might not have any idea what he was asking for. Third strike - before I left for home this afternoon, I received a gift, a coffee mug. It was from our best extemporaneous speaker haded to me by her mother. She told me her daughter is taking up language studies in Pakistan and hopefully her master's degree in the United States. What can I say more?

With so many good praises I heard about my teaching English IV, I could die anytime soon feeling so fulfilled as a teacher. I am not blinded by the adulations though. I knew that along the way I may have hurt others' feelings - my colleagues, students and even parents. I do not care though, because what I am after is the end result. The end does not always justify the means, I know. However, I would like to justify the morality of my decisions and actions using the principle of double effect. This is what I am so proud of as an English teacher. This has bloated too much my ego, the feeling was so maniacal. Call me an egotist. I know I am, so why the heck. However, I would like to make it clear that before I am now basking under the oblivious warmth of too much admiration, respect and even hero worship, I have gone through all the pains. I have been badly sick once, I needed to be hospitalized. Everything good that I now reap comes with so many sacrifices. Call me a narcissist, I don't care. I am proud of myself because I have been passionate with my dreams and dedicated to my purpose of being. Am I not entitled to be obsessively proud of myself then?